Entrée I

Today, I feel insignificant.

At some point, I’ve realized I still really don’t get how failures could shape us. I still don’t fully understand the essence of how we need to experience a series of ’em just to learn and to grow along the journey. Because the truth is that, maybe for those who understand my battle, it’ll always be okay. For those who don’t, it’ll always be disappointing. And for I who had it, behind the blinking positivity and motivation inside my head, it’ll always be quite excruciating. That somehow, deep deep down my dreamer self, it will never be really okay.

But then, I keep asking: When will I ever really forgive myself for failing?

You know, doubt is the greatest enemy you could encounter once you fail. It’s the root poison that will constantly try to break your faith in yourself. There’ll be those days that you’d feel you could perfectly stand up and go through, and there’ll be also those days you’d feel you never could. One day you’re actually fulfilling the dream, then suddenly, the next day, you’re slowly walking away from it already. It’s tiring, really. But I knew better that quitting is never the answer. So while everybody is seems to be running smoothly in the rough road, I chose to walk in spite of my injury— Yes, I chose to walk even if I’m on the verge of losing my hope and patience.

For me, maybe one failure is enough to scar you so hard. The sting of reality will never really leave you — the thought of you’re supposed to be graduating already in a span of one year will constantly haunt you; the thought of seeing the disappointed face of your father who isn’t afraid to tell the world about what you’re gonna be is enough to break you; the thought of you could have done so much better, so you could have prevented the failure will insanely rewind all over your head. Truly, it’s emotionally exhausting. Some days, at the weakest times, I’m almost considering taking a detour on this painful journey. What if it wasn’t just a test? What if it was a sign that I’m on the wrong path? What if quitting was the best decision?

It’s terrifying, isn’t it? But then, at the end of the day, I would always find the courage to look at the brighter side of it. Because I realized, you wouldn’t find the right reasons for a failure just along your journey. They were meant to be at your destination. And that’s what makes moving forward the right choice — that’s what makes it all worth it.

I never really believed that people who fail are weak. In this world of constant battlefield, maybe we all just have our own strengths. Some people were strong enough to surpass almost every difficulty. And on the other side, some people were strong enough to bear with a failure. Some were like pencils who can perfectly resist the pain of being sharpened. But some are just like erasers who are brave enough to consume themselves to correct a mistake.

I used to believe I was a pencil, until I came halfway through this journey. Maybe I was wrong all along.

Because I’m on the other side.
I was meant to be an eraser.

But today, I’m gonna be honest to the world that I haven’t still forgiven myself for failing.

I wasn’t still courageous enough to consume myself a bit more.


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