Let me tell you a secret first: I quite hate summer breaks.
Like really hate, you know. (Yeah, I feel really weird for hating something that almost everybody loves. *awkward smile*) I mean, yes, I do really hate tons of work during school season as well. But for me, that’s a way lot better than my life during summer breaks. (I love productivity kuno, kahit procrastination lang naman talaga madalas nangyayari. 😂) In fact, I can’t even remember when was the last time I got a really enjoyable outing; For the past several years, I’ve only had dull vacations — ABSOLUTELY DULL VACATIONS constantly spent at home. Are you seeing already how boring my life is?
Well, it’s not like I am this super introverted kid who only loves to stay at home; I’m still just a normal human being who is also longing for a taste of travel, adventure, and vitamin SEA actually. It’s just that… I wasn’t always given a chance, you know. Or should I say, I always refuse whenever given a chance, because I think of it as a luxury I don’t deserve to have, especially with the kind of lifestyle we’re in. Like what I’ve said, I wasn’t born rich. Even if I badly want it, it has always been my initiative to decline outing invites from friends. My typical mindset — Gastos lang yan. Hehe. (always allergic sa gastos!) Because you know what, we (my sisters and I) were raised in a way that we should always get to have first what we need. If you would just think of it , pwedi na nga naman kasing food bugdet, water budget, or kuryente budget at home ang magagastos for a single outing. So why bother for a little time of enjoyment outside, if you’re just gonna give your mom long-term worries for more important things inside home afterwards? Well, that’s actually the art of living the average life, you know– you get to learn how to sacrifice your wants, and you just hold on to your own faith that life will get better eventually, and that there’s always a next time where you can do already all the things you’ve always wanted. (Oh diba. Gara.)
To clear things out further, I think I might as well give you a trivia about myself: Well, it’s really very hard to persuade me to come to any swimming activity (typically for gatherings and reunions) during summer. And here’s the reason why — I don’t know how to swim. HAHAHA. Obviously, it’s one of the things I’m definitely unproud of. (Oo, sa laki kong ito, di ako marunong lumangoy. Huhu) Oh, I remember how I always make up excuses whenever closing parties are approaching. Immune na nga akong masabihan ng KJ eh. Well, if it’s with friends and relatives, I still may come actually. But with a larger number of people to be with? I’m definitely off with it. I will never take the risk of being out of place, after all. Hahaha.(Them enjoying, and me sa gilid lang? Hell no, bes.)
Well, let me tell you a bit of a story again:
When I was only 5 years old, I almost drowned in a pool. Haha. I was very young and plainly clueless about the surroundings that time (t’was my first time to be in a resort!), but the refreshing color of the pool really tempted me to jump in it. It’s like for maybe 30 seconds that I was stuck underwater, eyes opened and unable to move. Luckily, one of my cousins managed to see me and pulled me out afterwards. (And I became a laughing stock the whole day, that time.) That didn’t give a cause naman for me to have a phobia in pools; Because when I was around eight years old, on a family outing in Pangasinan, I still managed to swim the whole day– just in a kiddie pool though. Hihi. However, I remember, in our 2nd year highschool closing party, (the first and last closing party I attended 😂), I almost drowned also.(Kineri ko naman iligtas sarili ko at magpatay malisya, bes.) Imagine, I was already 14, and yet I still almost drowned in a not so malalim part of a pool. (You read it right. Not so malalim.) I guess swimming is really a skill that wasn’t meant for me. Haha. (Pero wag naman sana!*dramatically adds it to bucket list*)
So, going on again to the real flow of this entry. Ah. Yeah, so those were actually my reasons for quite disliking summer breaks. Oh wait. Lemme rephrase that: Those were the things that has influenced me of having no plans and doing nothing during vacation; And the fact that I’m HAVING NO PLANS and DOING NOTHING during vacation is the biggest reason why I have learned to hate summer breaks. (Gets niyo ko diba, mga bes?) You know what, it wasnt really that kind of a big deal to me dati if I was just this completely slack lass whenever summer comes; after all, I thought it was just only the fun and enjoyment aspect that I was missing out. BUT NOT UNTIL I ENTERED COLLEGE. Oh man, I’ve literally had a 360° turn of my view in my own life — it made feel how bad it is to miss out PRODUCTIVITY during summer breaks.
And now that I’m already 20, it has gotten worse actually; It’s like for each day in this 2017 summer season that I let to pass without doing anything, I feel more and more useless to the world. (I’m not even kidding. Dinaig pa ng pressure na nararamdaman ko ang pressure ng isang fresh graduate.) However, I hope you don’t misunderstand and judge me with this statement; it’s not that I was too lazy to find a job. Believe me, you just don’t know how badly I wanted to get one. Before the 2016 summer season even ended, I had already set the goal of making this summer a productive one. SADLY, for some unfortunate circumstances, I had failed to achieve it again:
✖First, because I’m picky with the kind of job I’m planning to get myself into. (Choosy pa bes!) Okay, it’s not really about being picky, after all; I just.. you know, feel kinda weirded out if I’m going to take a job that’s not connected with the profession I chose. BUT,
✖ on the other hand, I know in myself that I’m still not even capable of getting an architectural job. I don’t even have my own laptop yet! (Iyak si ako) I mean, the profession has been dependent na pa naman mostly on digital work, and I’m still not that knowledgeable when it comes to that.
✖And lastly. Lastly. Okay, maybe I just have to be honest with you. The truth is.. I wasn’t really that ready with the idea of getting a job. I mean, do you ever get that feeling of agitation to get yourself ready to face the ‘real’ world, but in the end you get eaten by your own hesitations? (Gets niyo ba ako, bes? Kasi ako hindi ko gets sarili ko eh.)
You know what, the struggle is freakin’ real. It’s really freakin’ real, mate. When you do nothing, it’s the more you feel restless — and it’s your own mind that will actually kill you. It’s the people around you who will always try to trigger it (unintentionally) anyway. Kagaya nito, while I’m typing this, this certain uncle of mine just blurted out, “Wala ka atang ginagawa nyan?” (imaginary gun casted off) and then sinabayan pa ng, “Kailan ka gagraduate kase?” (trigger pulled*gunshot sounds*) SERIOUSLY, RIGHT. You’re killing me, people. You’re killing me. (Hahahaha)
Moving on with it, well, I’ve just realized that I had actually no choice but to cope up with the situation. I mean, I could actually die from stressing myself with all of it, right? (Partida, summer season pa lang ‘to ah bes) So on a positive note, I’ve thought of some things that could keep me busy this summer. Well, they’re really not that remarkable kind of things though. And I’m not really sure if to “keep me busy” was the right word for them; but at least, they could be the things that could prevent me from slackening off, right?
Let me share with you these five not-so-grand things I’ve thought of doing:
1. Blog. Blog more. Blog even more. Tadaa! Well, I’m already living the moment with it. Haha. I mean, it’s what I’m doing right now. Though for me, it’s still too ironic that I’m doing it even if my life is not much of an interest to tell the whole world. But you know what, it’s really helping me a lot. In my case, it’s the most effective stress-reliever. I think it was really a blessing that just out of nowhere, I thought of making it. Maybe it was really God’s way of telling me that I wouldn’t feel free if I’m not going to spill out and express what’s going on inside my head. He’s always been that great. 💛
2. [Try to] Write. A. Novel. [Again] Goodness gracious. Hahahaha. Sorry talaga mga bes if diko masuko-suko ito ah. Mukhang di talaga matatahimik kaluluwa ko hangga’t diko nagagawa ito. I have three concepts for stories (fictional) in my mind that I really wanna work on kase. HOPEFULLY, I could really start on them. I mean, I understand it could take years to finish one. But I wish I won’t stop that easily if ever I’ll get frustrated again.
3. Visualize music. Pinaganda ko pa talaga pagkakasabe. HAHA. No, seriously, I really wanted to draw cover arts for all the singles from all my favorite albums. Yay! This is one thing I’m really excited to do. I’ve been dying to get started with PATD’s Pretty Odd album! I’ll share something about it in another entry though.
4. Pamper self and learn more about beauty hacks. THIS IS FUNNY RIGHT. Pero yeah, babae parin naman ako, wag kayong ano. 💃 I’m concentrating on my hair though. I hate it, but I’m trynna look for remedies that could make me love it. Charingggg, bes.
5. Exercise. I MEAN, LIKE JOG AT 5 AM MAYBE? HAHAHAHAHAHA I DON’T TRUST MYSELF WITH THIS. LET’S JUST PRETEND I DIDN’T SAY IT. HAHA. Okay, that’s a joke. I’ll try my best, bes. 😂
Apparently, those are the things I’m planning to fulfill this summer. I know what most people would think about these things though, because I’ve thought it myself before I even decided to tell them here; It’s like WHY THE HELL HAVE I NOT EVEN PLANNED OF DOING THINGS LIKE PRACTICING MORE ABOUT ARCHITECTURE TO HELP ME GROW AND LEARN MORE? One more thing, WHERE COULD ACTUALLY THESE THINGS GET ME, RIGHT? Don’t you worry, guys. You don’t have to give me a banner about it. I know it right through my mind, heart, and soul and it’s not even once that I’ve questioned myself about what am I even doing with my life. But you know what, for once, I don’t what to be that girl who is always anxious about what people might say. That girl who is always insecure. And that girl who always hesitates. Just this time, maybe I should stop with the notion of setting aside for a while all the things I love, and just start doing them instead while I still got more time. After all, getting to the ‘real’ world isn’t even a race. Maybe I should just accept the fact that I wasn’t still ready and there’s actually a good reason about it.
You know what, at 20, it was never really easy to fight the rising anxiety you get about facing life’s consequences.
But for now, at 20, there’s only one thing I know:
And that is my own Life is pleading me to get a life and live it in a way just like my 5 year old self had no hesitations in jumping to a pool she was clueless about.