Dear Janice

Hello, you beautiful memory.

I know you’re doing fine wherever you may be. You must be in a really peaceful place right now. In heaven, perhaps. And I really wish that there was at least a concrete way to send this letter up there for you to read it. But of course, we both know there wasn’t. Don’t you worry, I’m still gonna write it, anyway. I’m just gonna hold on to my own hopes that maybe somewhere, beyond the clouds, moon, and skies, you are there, serenely watching an unfamiliar girl write a letter to you.

Well, I know you’re probably surprised, if ever you’re seeing this. I’m actually someone you never know, and it’s not like you’re someone I really know in a deep way, as well. But I still do hope that all the words I could put in here will somehow matter to you, even if they wouldn’t matter to him at all. I wasn’t quite certain of why I was even writing this though; I just felt like I needed to. The truth is, I wanted to write him a last letter. But I was too hesitant to even address his name again, and I don’t even know what are the right words to say when you’re ought to bid farewell to an unfortunate affection. I just know right through myself that I was slowly losing my grip already on the very last string of hope I hold — a way too ambitious possibility of an ‘us’– and I thought that just an another secret letter for him wouldn’t be enough to finally let go of everything. I couldn’t even start writing it; and he just wouldn’t care, after all. So I’m writing this to you instead, Janice. Because before I or anyone did even care for him, you were the one who really cared the most. You are that one person deeply marked inside his heart whom I thought would be patient enough to hear out all what I have to say. And of course, above all reasons, you would always be that woman he will always truly love. Ironically, some kind of person I was not and will never be.

You know what, if this should really be the last, I’d like to tell you how was it from the very first. Meeting him, Janice, was both a curious and a strangely challenging experience. It wasn’t really hard to tell that he was way too different from the others. He was an amazingly shy and reserved guy who wouldn’t really talk that much in class. He’d always got me wondering with that trait then. But there were some times that he had completely surprised me with his tendencies to actually come out of his perfectly guarded self. I don’t really know why, but he had always given me that unfamiliar feeling of determination to dig in for more in his subtle mystery. Later on, I didn’t even realize that, subconciously, I was already crossing the border line, and I have put myself on the very dangerous idea of falling in love with him. If he could just read this, I’m sure he would just laugh at it. Because he wouldn’t understand, Janice, just as much as I didn’t even understand the feeling myself. It was quite scary — your son is quite tough and scary. But I did took the risk of cherishing it all in silence and let it consume me for several years.

It was actually five years ago when I wrote the very first letter for him. I could still clearly remember how contented I was for just writing it without even sending it to him and letting him read it. It was a simple promise of patience and a pledge of love in silence. However, it didn’t take too long that time before I eventually threw it away, and decided to just pull myself together and forget about the nonsensical feelings. I didn’t succeeded with that attempt though, Janice; I knew too well that it wasn’t really nonsensical to me. Well, to him, maybe it was. So through the years, I still kept coming back and kept writing letters that wouldn’t be sent, soberly losing myself with the drunken thought that maybe one day, we could be something just as I’d always wished we could be. But I guess, we really are impossible. Because just as how I started to recognize the feeling myself, I’d always been afraid of bravely telling it as ever.

Sometimes, I actually wonder if there would have been a big difference if I had the courage to pursue your son. And perhaps, maybe it was almost like in the way of wondering if he could have been different if you had at least stayed and lived by his side a little longer. Both beautiful differences could have really been possible, Janice. But somehow, we were quite stuck in the same place of missing the chance to make them happen, because our own realities are just way too beyond our control. Fate just really wouldn’t allow us to make a change in his life; I guess, like what they would usually say it, it wasn’t really meant to be — I wasn’t meant to be brave to fight for a place in his heart, and you, you weren’t meant to stay longer in such a huge place he has saved for you in his life. But I hope, we do both realize that it was for a good reason, after all. Of course, you really don’t have to worry a thing, Janice. You never really left that place. Until this day and probably those which are yet to come, you would always remain an unforgettable and irreplaceable part of his life. Unlike me.. Well, me. I’m just probably someone he used to see everyday in class. Barely known, barely remembered.

Today, I wasn’t really quite sure if he was still the same as I last remembered him. College is way too different from highschool, after all. Maybe he wasn’t as quiet and guarded as before. Well, I do hope so then; I do hope he’s really giving himself a chance to show off more. And because of that, I wish him well for everything, Janice. I really do. I know your son is going to be a fine man. You see, he’s getting so much closer to the end of his journey; He’ll soon finally get himself to the real world. And you, you must have been really proud by then. He can make it, I’m sure. And when he does, I swear I’ll be just as much as proud as you.

So now, before I may finally end this, I hope you’ll remember that even just for once, there was this silly girl who fell in love and took care of your son silently. If there’s just one thing she regrets though, that is for not being brave to tell it. I’m sorry then, because I had to be a complete coward. I’m sorry, as well, because I had to burn bridges connecting to him, just to save myself from crossing them further and hurt myself even more. I’m sorry if I had to get tired of holding on to our vague possibility. But I guess, Janice, I surely am ready to break free now. It was such a pleasure to experience such kind of love that is such a misfortune. Somewhere out there, I know there’s another one of me who’ll love him better than I ever will.

Surely, letting go of something you never really had sounds really funny. But with all of what’s been said and done, it was really nice to meet your son, after all.

So thank you, Janice. Thank you for giving life to such a wonderful mystery I’ve ever known.

And with that, I must say, Happy Mother’s day to you.

Sincerely yours,
P.

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