Dear Future First

Hi. How are you, my lad?
Wherever you are right now, even if I’m not around you just yet, I hope you’re doing perfectly fine. And if, by any chance, you’re reading this already, I hope I’m not causing too much disturbance with whatever you’re busy doing. But for once, just give me a little time; Hear me out for a while, for there are just some things I’d like you to know right at this point — at this point where the world is quite pressuring me to find you immediately; and I know I’m slowly losing my patience to wait for you to come.

I really hope you won’t think about this much as my way to rush things between the two of us. The world is just really so cruel to make us always think that true love, in some way, has its deadline. But we both know it hasn’t, right? There were just really those times that we’re being shaken by our own worries, loneliness, and brokenness, and they make us almost believe that maybe we’re really meant to be alone — forever. Funny, isn’t it? And scary, after all. Yes, I know, we’re both scared to even think about that possibility. But here I am, building up my own faith in this circle of tricky fate that maybe somehow, somewhere, you are there; reading this whole silly thing up, almost grinning at my words, and happy and thrilled with the idea that there’s one hopeless romantic girl who’s waiting for you to come into her life.

You know, no matter how we’re both unsure of how our story will gonna start, I hope we never get tired of waiting for each other. I completely know that you will just come at the right time and everything will fall into place then. Surely, that time won’t be tomorrow yet. Not even next week, next month, or maybe not even next year. I just really thought I needed to tell you these things right now through this letter, because I was so used to being hurt, lone, and invisible that I want you to be at your readiest state to face all the storms with me when you’ll finally come; I, myself, is a storm that no one ever really dared to surpass its magnitude and gustiness. Maybe I was of bad shape and kind? Maybe they thought I was detrimental? Were they just plain afraid? I don’t really know why. Out of all of ’em, I know you are the sole reason of why they weren’t all meant for me. So somehow, take this as a forecast of how is it to love me. To be with me. And to get through everything with me. Will you be even be prepared to be the calm inside me? Well, I know you will be. And even if it won’t be as easy as walking with an umbrella under the rain, I know you can always tame the wildest eye of my strongest storm.

Up until this time, you know, I still keep wondering about how you would see me and my worth. I’m quite bewildered with the fact that there have been so many that didn’t, but then, there you are, and you would. Can you tell me how long should I wait? It’s just funny though to even realize that what if we’ve met already? Maybe this is really not the perfect time for us yet; We don’t really know what’s in store for us. But even if we’ve already met or not, as early as this time, I’d like you to know that being with me won’t always be a happy ride in a carousel. Most of the time, we could be probably on a roller coaster. I overthink too much; I tend to overlove as well. I’m a person who sometimes drowns in her own anxieties. But apart from saving me, I hope you teach me how to save my own self too. Because I don’t want you to be just that person I can’t live without. Let’s both help ourselves deal with the truth that we’re a significant part of each other’s lives, but we don’t own each other.

At first, I know you’d be obviously aware that I’m a very jolly person. I laugh easily; I laugh a lot; And yeah, I really laugh hard most of the time. But behind my positive persona, I hope you learn to love my darkest parts as well. Even if you’d feel that it seems like I’m contented with everything I have, I hope you’d be able to see too how insecure I am for being flawed; My hair’s a mess. My vision’s so poor. I wear thick spectacles. I have buck teeth. And yes, I’ve never been really that proud of everything in my shape and appearance. But just telling me that I’m still beautiful for having them is not really what I need. I hope you’ll show me rather that I’m more than enough — not just for you, but also for this world. After all, isn’t that we’re all afraid of? Of not being enough? So I hope that you make me realize that I deserve all the love and even the luxury this world could offer despite of all my imperfections. And in return, I would do too. With you. Because we all know that’s how love between two people always works.

You know, if people were so cliche to make promises about things they say they would do, I would choose to say those I wouldn’t.

I won’t promise to write you poetry on special days. Poems aren’t really my thing. I would always choose prose over it; Like maybe, I could write how my heart went violent when you first held my hand in public; I could write how lovely your smile was when we watched the sunset; I could write how disappointed we were when we got late for a movie on our seventh date; I could write how I learned to love the taste of your favorite food that I used to hate; Or maybe, I could simply write every single reason to be grateful for for having you in my life. Perhaps, I could write you short, sweet letters every single day of our lives that we’d be together.

I won’t promise to drink coffee with you on costly cafes. I’m not much of a coffee person. But maybe, we could sit together on your home or mine when chilly season approaches or probably just every morning — you being with your divine cup of brewed coffe and me being with my humble cup of hot chocolate.

I won’t promise to like your personal taste in music. But I would willingly listen, give it a try, and leave some remarks if you want me to. And maybe on rare circumstances, perhaps on our special days or just on a random afternoon, I would be glad to memorize one song you love and sing it for you.

I won’t promise not to be weird and loud when it comes to the things that really interest me. I’m sorry if I’ll be too enthusiastic which probably would make you somehow annoyed. But I hope you’ll just let me do my part of introducing you to the other things that closely occupy my heart aside from you.

I won’t promise to give you the best advice or encouragement whenever you feel down with any problem. But always remember that even if I may stay silent all throughout your struggle, I’ll never really leave your side and I’ll hold your hand tight as if to tell you to hold on once more and never quit the fight.

I won’t promise not to fight with you over small things. But I hope we do not let it stay unresolved for a much longer time. Please let me learn from my own mistakes and apologize for my own fault. Just let me be mature enough and grow up on my own.

You see, there’s just too much to say to you that won’t really fit in a single letter. But I hope that what I’m gonna say next is what you’ll mostly keep in your mind:

I won’t promise not to fight for you when you’re about to give me up. I hope that when I say I’m scared to death to lose you, the crack in my voice would be enough to make you stay. But of course, we both know it can’t be fully true. Because at the end of the day, I would still choose to set you free if that’s what would make you truly happy.

I know. I know it’s quite ironic that I started this letter like you’re really gonna be that one who’s gonna stay in my life forever and almost end it with the thought of you leaving just like anybody else. I hope you understand that I just needed to remind myself that people come and go and I should accept that maybe you could just be another part of that cycle. It’s really a sad thought but we all know that if you’re gonna be the first, it doesn’t really mean that you’re also gonna be the last. But if it’s not too much to ask, would you really choose to be?

For now, we both don’t hold the answer to that question. Even if it could take some more years and pain, just remember that I would always wait for you; I have my faith in you, my lad. And whatever happens, whether you choose to be the last or not, I know you’ll always be worth it— because you’re the one who’ll choose to be the first.

Be just fine, okay?
See you soon, mi amore.

With so much hope,
Your Anxious Future Girl.


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