Hey, Moon

Hi! I don’t really know the purpose of this. Haha. A year ago, I told myself I’m gonna write you the last letter. And I did. But it was addressed to your mom. Have you read it? I can’t imagine kung ano man reaction mo kung nabasa mo na ‘yun. Hahaha. Would it even be funny to you? I guess so. Maybe all of my letters would be funny to you, or to anyone. But that’s okay. No hard feelings, I tell you. Haha. Just keep it mind that I wrote that, and them, with all of my heart. Well, hanggang ngayon naman pala; I’m still writing this piece of shit again with all of my heart. Haha. Sabagay. I can’t remember a single letter that I wrote to you na hindi galing sa puso. Ikaw lang naman ginagawan ko ng ganito eh. The regrettable part lang talaga ay wala kang nababasa kahit isa. Haha. I don’t know. I don’t really even know the reason. But it seems like in my whole life, ikaw lang kaya kong masulatan nang ganito. Hahaha. It’s silly, I know. Mabibilang ko sa sarili ko kung ilang beses na ako nainlove, nainfatuated, or kung ano man talaga, pero ikaw lang sinulatan ko ever since. Ikaw lang din yung constant memory na never na atang maaalis sa utak ko. Or sa puso? Haha. Nakakatawa. Para namang may pinagsamahan talaga tayo ‘no. Haha. Sa ngayon, hindi ko alam kung bakit naisipan ko ulit sulatan ka. What for ‘di ba? It’s not like I could bring back that wishful thinking again na we could really be something. Haha. Isa lang naman sigurado ako ngayon eh. And that is the fact that I’m breaking… again. And I feel like never maiintindihan ng mga tao ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Lalo na kung ako mismo, hindi. Malungkot lang ba ako na hindi pa rin ako makakita ng taong para sa akin? Haha. Ewan. It’s even more ironic na bakit ikaw, ‘di ba? Kung nasasaktan ako, it would just be easy to write sa taong dahilan ng pain ko. Pero I can’t. Pakiramdam ko, it doesn’t even make sense kung susulatan ko sila gaya ng ginagawa ko sayo noon. At ngayon. Ang gulo. Haha. Pero habang ginagawa ko ito ngayon, gusto kong sabihin na kahit ngayon lang, gusto kong maging honest sa nararamdaman ko. About sa’yo. Sa lahat ng nangyari na. Sa lahat ng taon at taong nagdaan. Sa lahat na rin ng taong andyan pa. Will you even listen to me? Haha. Wala naman sakin kung ilang percent ang chance na mabasa mo ito, or ng nino man na mahalaga sa akin. Gusto ko lang mexperience maging matapang na magsabi ng lahat ng nararamdaman ko. Kahit ngayon lang. Especially sa’yo. Kasi ito yung regret na forever akong ihahaunt. Lalo pa’t nararamdaman kong eto na naman ang magiging regret ko ulit sa ibang tao.

Kumusta ka na ba, Josh? Haha. To all those times na pumapasok ka sa isip ko, I never really failed to wish you well. Lalo pa ngayon. Haha. Well, I could barely remember the last time I saw you. But definitely, vivid pa sa memory ko yung last time na nagsmile ka sa akin. Hahaha. If I could just replay that, gagawin ko eh. Pakiramdam ko, kapag may apo na ako, isa ‘yun sa mga pangyayaring paulit ulit kong ikukuwento. Haha. That was a very genuine moment for me, kung alam mo lang. I like the thought that we were just on our usual selves– ignoring each other’s existence, pero ikaw, ikaw, you chose to look back and gave me that beautiful smile. I’d like to keep reminding myself na maybe you were just being polite. After all, para saan pa’t nagkaklase tayo noong highschool. Haha. But then again, of course, I’ll always see it in a special way. Any moment with you, kahit gaano pa kaikli, will always be special to me. My heart didn’t beat loud that time, alam mo ba ‘yun. That was unusual. Since freshmen pa lang kasi tayo nung highschool, kahit ‘yung simple fact na nasa malapit ka lang, you could make my heart beat violently. Pero sobrang saya ko noon. Kasi narealize ko, out of all the silly things na pinaggagawa ko mapansin mo lang, with just that one smile, I felt acknowledgement. At binura ‘nun ‘yung lahat ng feelings of rejection na nararamdaman ko. And maybe that’s just what I really needed to be finally free from all the pain of loving someone silently. So kahit dito lang, gusto kong magpasalamat para sa ngiting ‘yun. Iyong ngiting ‘yun kase ang nagpafeel sa akin somehow na worth it naman pala lahat ng kagagahan ko sa’yo noon. Haha. Partly, kaya di na rin kasi ako umamin sa’yo noon, iyon ay dahil alam kong hindi ka tanga para hindi malaman ang nararamdaman ko based sa mga actions ko towards sa’yo. Haha. That smile washed away all the hurt of being constantly ignored by you, you know. Haha. So thank you for it. Really. Sayang nga eh. Gusto ko pa sanang makita ang smile na ‘yun even for the last time. I wanted to go sa graduation niyo, pero wala eh. Mailap ang tadhana kahit kailan. Haha. Baka iyon na pala talaga ang huling pagkakataon na makikita ko ‘yun. But that’s okay. That day is already enough and I’ll never trade it for any day that I’ll be given a thousand fake smiles by anyone.

Sa ngayon, ang dami na ring nangyari simula nung nagdecide ako maglet go sa lahat ng feelings ko sa’yo. Ang dami na, Josh, sa totoo lang. Haha. Ilang beses na rin akong nagago. Kakat’wa nga eh. Parang kailan lang, I was just a silly girl who wrote you secret love letters. And then suddenly, I was already a fool believing different assholes’ words. It was an exploration stage for me, I guess. I thought I could really find someone who’ll love me unconditionally. ‘Di ko naman masisisi sarili ko. Haha. Even just for once, gusto kong malaman how it feels to love and to be loved. Baon ‘yung frustration ko sa’yo, I kept searchin’ and searchin’. Pero wala eh, madaya pa rin talaga ang tadhana. Haha. Puro maling tao. Alam mo ‘yun? Akala ko wala nang mas sasakit pa nung minahal kita at ‘di ko masabi sabi kasi alam kong wala kang pake. Pero mas masakit pa rin pala ‘yung may magkaroon ng pake sa’yo pabalik tapos kalaunan, marerealize mong laro at palabas lang ang lahat. Hahaha. Alam mo bang lagi akong talo? Haha. Siguro expected mo na rin sa’kin ‘yun. Or ng nino man. Tanga kasi ako at marupok. Hahaha. In times like this na nasasaktan ako, ganito ko gustong balikan talaga ‘yung mga panahong umiikot lang mundo ko dun sa hopeless illusion ko of you and me. Kaya na rin siguro kita sinulatan ulit. Haha. Because after all these years and after all of what happened, I still really think that my love for you is the purest and realest that I’ve ever had. Even if I was so afraid to tell it and I never received anything in return.

Sabi nga nila, when you really love someone, kahit ano pang mangyari, that love will never fade. Siguro it could settle for a while. Pero never mawawala. Ang funny man siguro para sa’yo, but that’s how I feel with you. Hindi naman talaga nawala, Josh. Haha. Though I did say na naglet go ako ng feelings, alam ko pa rin sa sarili ko na pinatay ko lang siguro ‘yung lahat ng high hopes sa puso ko na meron talaga tayong chance. I’m still never forgetting the special occasions in your life; I still write you letters; and I still think about you when I look at the moon. Kahit pa it’s all vastly different now, when it comes with you, everything’s really sure, Josh. And that’s how I knew that loving you was like a calm inside a storm– my heart’s at peace in spite of all the hurt. Kaya nga mas lalo akong nalulungkot ngayon eh. Hahaha. Kasi alam mo ba, I feel like I’ve fallen in love again with someone. Someone who cares. But this time, hindi na ako sigurado. Hindi na ako sigurado sa tunay na nararamdaman at intention ng heart ko. Siguro nga mas tamang sabihin na takot na akong maging sigurado. Pero iyon kasi ang masakit, na pati sa sarili ko hindi ko na maamin kasi ang daming nang at stake ngayon. Haha. Alam mo yun, sa tuwing magmamahal na ata ako ngayon, pakiramdam ko lagi ang dami ko nang masisira. Kung dati takot lang akong umamin kaya tinatago ko na lang, ngayon I’m really trying my best to fight it para walang masira at literal ko nang hinihiling na sana wag na akong magmahal.

Ikaw ba? Masaya ka ba ngayon? Haha. I’d like to think na oo. Alam mo kasi, lagi kong naiisip na napakaswerte talaga ng babaeng mamahalin mo nang tunay. Haha. Kahit ganyan ka lang kasi, nararamdaman kong pure ka rin magmahal. Hahaha. You honor and love your mom so much. That’s why your heart’s deepest desires were always been a beautiful mystery to me. Pero sino nga ba naman ako para malaman pa mga ‘yun ‘di ba? Haha. I can only think and imagine of them. Hanggang ‘dun na lang ‘yun. Haha. Ako, inaamin ko naman, I still can’t be truly happy. Bakit ba kasi ganun, Josh? Hahaha. Ang sarap na lang ulit uliting sabihin na napakaunfair ng mundo. I can always love, pero it seems like I can’t even be loved. Never naman ako nanggago eh. Haha. Parang kahit ilang ulit ipaalala sa akin na lahat ng tao worth it, mahihirapan at mahihirapan pa rin akong marealize ‘yung worth ko. Ilang maling tao pa ba ang kailangang magdaan? Sino at ano nga ba kasing deserve ko sa mundo ‘di ba? Ang tanong, meron nga ba kaya? Hahaha. I’ve never really felt like enough. Siguro nga kasi I don’t love myself enough. That’s why my heart can’t be still. But how can I truly love myself? Naiisip ko ngayon, Josh, katulad nung huling ngiting binigay mo sa akin, kailangan ko lang uli ng sign at assurance mula sa mundong ito na I really deserve to be loved in return at may tao talagang nakalaan para sa akin. Kahit kasingsimple lang tulad ng ngiti mo ang sign iyon, ayos na sa akin para mapanatag ako. Ilang beses ko na rin namang nasabing pagod na ako magmahal at maghintay. Pero never naman talaga ako tumigil. And that’s where I’m mostly proud of. Na kahit sobrang sakit pa ulit ngayon, I’ll never really get tired of loving over and over again.

Pasensya ka na kung sinulatan na naman kita, ha? Haha. Hanggang ganito lang naman ako eh. I’m still keeping my promise to never bother you again. Writing to you was just really like therapy for me; writing to you calms my heart; and writing to you right now makes me believe that somehow, somewhere, you could hear me and you’re telling me that everything will be alright. Haha.

Sana masaya ka ngayon, Josh.

And then someday, sana ako na rin.

Love,
Cess

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